No More Mr. Nice Girl

» Posted by Chantelle Baxter on Oct 28, 2011 in Blog, Girl Power, Life Lessons | 5 comments

“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.” - Lucille Ball.

So true. But why are we so quick to forget it?

With just 3 days to go until Do It In A Dress completes, we’re coming to the end of an incredibly successful campaign. With 66 people participating across 5 different countries, and enough money raised to put 100 girls back in school PLUS extra funds for our social enterprise – our amazing Do It In A Dress team has kicked some serious ass.

I’m happy, proud and a little overwhelmed. I’m also tired – and just a few days ago – I was resentful. My passion for One Girl had dulled, and my weekend was spent lying in bed with a head cold. But these feelings? It was all so FAMILIAR. It seems that I’d been reunited with my old friend, Burnout..

Burnout is a psychological term for the experience of long-term exhaustion and diminished interest. Burnout is also described as the effects of emotional exhaustion and reduced sense of personal accomplishment. (Wikipedia)

Burnout and I are old friends. In fact, we seem to lovingly reunite at least four times a year.

When I returned from Bali, I figured that I wouldn’t see Burnout again. After all, I was an enlightened Yoga Goddess now! Right..? Bali taught me that if I look after myself first, life will rock. I KNOW THIS. So why did I catch myself lying in bed with Burnout AGAIN?

BECAUSE I’m a yes to everything woman.. I’ve got the “Disease to Please” or “Nice Girl Syndrome”.

And I know I’m not the only one. How can you tell if YOU suffer from this debilitating disease?

Well, I’ve created a very scientific and foolproof method (*cough*) for diagnosis..

Do you say yes to things that you don’t really want to do?

Do you work long hours and completely neglect your own personal wellbeing?

Do you find yourself getting resentful of others?

Do you have problems expressing what you want / need or desire?

Do you stay too long in situations that are bad for you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’ve probably got a dose of the ‘nice girl syndrome’ too. The thing that sucks most about it? You don’t get what you want AND you get sick.

I’m so scared of losing love from my friends / family / volunteers / staff etc. that I don’t say what I think or DO what I want to do. I slap on my nice girl face and become a door mat. I say yes to everyone and everything because I need you to like me. I’ve wired my brain circuits to think – “Setting Boundaries = Losing Love. Avoid at all Cost.”

Do you think that’s going to be a successful way of being for a woman that’s changing the world? HELL NO.

It’s time for a change.

Imagine that you’re standing in a field – it’s YOUR field. A beautiful piece of land that you’ve spent hours decorating with your favourite trees, plants and flowers. Your field is cordoned off by a small wooden fence and matching gate. You stand in the centre of your field gazing lovingly at what you’ve created. It’s breathtaking.

Suddenly, you hear a noise behind you – You glance around and realise that you’ve left the gate open. Hundreds of people are now wandering onto your field.

You don’t stress too much about it – after all, you LOVE being surrounded by friends and family. Now that the gate is open, you can share your beautiful field with hundreds of wonderful people.

As they wander through the gate, some run straight to you – they congratulate you on the beauty of your field. You notice that others are trampling around carelessly and crushing some of your flowers. You watch a man unzip his pants and proceed to pee on your favourite tree.

But you don’t say anything – because you want these people to like you. You want to be nice. “Who cares if they’re crushing my flowers – I can always replant them. And maybe the ammonia in his urine will help my tree grow.”

You just want everyone to enjoy your beautiful field. But, as hundreds of people trickle in and out of your field, your flowers begin to die and the leaves on your tree start to wilt. Maintaining your field starts to wear you out. Day by day, you and your field are slowly wasting away.

You find yourself becoming resentful of all the people wandering around your field. “Don’t they see how hard I’m working trying to make the field nice for them? Why can’t they just give me a break so I can get my field looking beautiful again? I’m sick of this field. It’s too hard to maintain. This sucks.”

So why the field?

This field is your life. The fence represents your boundaries – but if you’re anything like me, you always leave the goddamn gate open.

It’s time to shut the gate.

We’re here to create a better world – “Nice Girl Syndrome” isn’t going to get us there. Saying yes to everything doesn’t work. Blaming others for your lack of boundaries doesn’t work either. So some guy peed on your favourite tree? Get responsible for it. You left the gate open.

Shut the frickin’ gate.

My first gate shutting experiment?

It’s time to start saying NO. I know that I need to spend time on my own to cultivate energy. If I’m out socialising every night, I’ve left my gate open. If I neglect my yoga and meditation practice, I’ve left my gate open. If work starts to take over my life, I’ve left my gate open. If I say yes to an event (even though I don’t really want to go), I’ve left my gate open. If I try to maintain bullshit relationships with people I don’t really connect with, I’ve left my gate open.

Shut the frickin’ gate.

What gates are you leaving open? What will you do to change it?

Namaste,

Chantelle x